I’ve always longed for my life to be as simple and complete as a movie. For life to certainly have meaning because it has to come to a happy ending, for love to be inevitable for me. Love has been on my mind a lot lately, I feel it washed over me all the time, and I oscillate between loving and hating the girl it makes me. Loving the kindness in my voice when we speak, the way I notice when our feet touch under the table, the way it feels to get the phone call; hating the insecurity, the unknown, the jumping to conclusions. I worry that my love will always have to be enough for the both of us. I don’t know if it’s right for me to choose to be content with the way things are.

By nature I cannot trust my desires, because I only desire the things that I shouldn’t. I will desire, and then the next moment I will be repelled by my desire. Mostly everything I desire is not good for me. Maybe I love feeling like the world is ending. Maybe I will grow out of it. Life is short but it’s also long, soooo long, and I am standing with both feet in this specific eclipsed moment of life. I don’t know if it is going to happen for me, but I have learned to listen to my god-given intuition as it whispers to me what will happen, and if I feel us, I just feel us. The door used to feel slammed shut, it no longer feels this way.